The Whore's Trophy

Damnit, I wish I could write. I think that's the only thing that will help things right now, but I can't. I just can't.

Splat

God damnit, I miss paintball. I NEED to play. I'm thinking about just getting into airsoft, it's easier to get people amped for it and costs less to play in general. Which makes it sound exactly like what I wanted from paintball originally... but paintball is different. It just seems more friendly. Those airsoft guys seem way too uptight in their quest for absolute realism, while we paintballers just show up and do our damnedest to have a blast. We'll be laughing and catcalling in the middle of a huge firefight. Granted, there are the way too serious paintballers too, but it just seems like there'd be so many more of them in airsoft.

I think this intense longing for my game comes from having no activity in which I'm involved at all. This isn't entirely new, but for a while I replaced activities with drinking. Now that I pretty much stopped that entirely, I can only play video games so much before I realize how much I need to get out, but nothing here interests me. I think it's also how much I isolate myself when left to my own devices. Paintball offered the kind of camaraderie that I missed since I had to stop playing football. My natural tendency is to be the loner when I'm not involved in an activity, and now I'm kind of subconsciously missing human contact but don't have much of an idea how to go about it anymore.

Also, I'm sick of being broke. My Liquor Store money ran out quick after my text books, and even though I haven't done a LOT of looking, I have tried some, and I haven't even gotten a nibble yet. I think paintball signifies a certain stability for me, as it's an expensive sport, and if I'm playing it, I know I can relax. I also know that if I hadn't sold my car, and if I HAD a job, I probably COULD be playing. And since I AM broke, it's impossible to get into airsoft or get a car, which also means it's harder to get a job (without a car, limited range). So it's this awful, vicious circle. The more bored and stressed I get, the more I NEED paintball. The more I can't find a job, the more I NEED to find a job.

I honestly love it more than any other activity I've done or know of. If I thought there was a paintball community here, I would sell all of my video game stuff to play. But I would just end up even more bored if I did that, because there's no way to play here, and no one to play with, and then I couldn't play video games either. And since there's no indoor field here, and not much chance one could make it, I'd be shit out of luck in a couple weeks anyway. In fact, in Laramie especially, the window for paintball is small. In Washington, I could have played all year round, and not just because there's an indoor field, but the outdoor one I reffed for stays open too. Which reminds me, I'm strongly considering doing the national exchange program and going to UWashington.

Bah.

Laramie

I went to school. In Laramie...
And it rocks!

I mean, Laramie is probably boring, but I don't really have time to notice. Between school, homework, procrastinating on homework, and procrastinating on finding a job, I don't really have much time to be bored. Also, here and there I hang with Sammie or Cammi, and almost regularly with Savannah. We're both just kinda having fun, and I think we're both just on the rebound. I'm pretty sure neither of us expects it to go anywhere. Lord knows I'm not ready for it to.

But seriously. Things are pretty good. I'm stoked to be here.

Also, I deleted most of my entries. I left a few as a summary for what happened. I may get around to doing what I meant to with this.

What a weekend

I spent the better portion of the past two days digging Chris's truck out of a partially dried up lake bed. My knee is fucking killing me, so I took some Vicodin. I think my tolerance is too high...

I might have a job by the end of the week.

No more fight left

And I keep looking at your pictures, and I see I'm not in any of them anymore. And I start to feel so alone.

I Am Far Too Young for Nostalgia

As I've been thinking about school so much lately, I started thinking about my past college experience. While I'll never doubt that leaving the Art Institute was ultimately a good idea, I really miss the environment. Mostly, though, I miss the Lenora. We partied so much there, caused so much unpunished trouble, and created so many awesome memories. How much cooler can it get than having to walk down a hall and maybe a flight of stairs to be at your best friends' front door? I met the love of my life in that building, and was similarly just a short walk away, and ultimately, that part of our relationship ended up being the best. I acquired and subsequently lost my taste for marijuana there. I taught myself how to cook and do laundry there. I procrastinated there like I do everywhere else! I learned how to drink beer, discovered that Family Guy really is as funny as everyone made it out to be, smoked so much hookah I got sick of it and gave mine away (for a while, before I asked for it back and eventually gave it away again), made a handful of new, various, and unlikely friends, and really finally found myself and a place I belong.

Forget the simplicity of childhood, the "good ol' days," when everyone from the Metal Crew was in Jackson and getting along, or the summer I was paintballing with my Dad on a weekly basis, that was the best part of my life. If I had to choose a period or day to relive over and over again, it would be from the half year spent in the Lenora. Even at the time, it honestly felt so perfect, almost surreal, and I never really struggled with the depression at all while I was there. It was literally a dream come true, one that we all had to wake up from, and I think we all miss it. Actually, I miss it all so much I feel kind of sick, unless that's the entire half of pie from Christmas Dinner I ate a couple hours ago. Oops, I think I'm gonna zuke.

Good News!

Mom's going to make an appointment for me with the Doc in the next couple days. Given my recent acts of idiocy, I'll more than likely have no problem walking out heavily medicated. This is a good thing.