And it's hard to say

I keep finding and remembering and stumbling across old stuff that I'd almost rather not remember anymore. The best times of my life, no doubt, but it hurts to have all these reminders of the kind of love that the world, I, will never know again. Moving on is so hard.

I will never let my guard down again. No one will ever know the person she got to know. He's dead.

Empty

I must have finally hit that point where I'm numb, because I can't really figure out what I'm feeling or thinking. So I'm just going to post lyrics for anyone who's reading, it'll kill some time, because I know one only ends up here out of boredom. Second one is mine. One of the nine I kept out of around 30.

Brightest - Copeland
"If you find yourself here on my side of town
I'd pray that you'd come to my door
Talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about
Cause I don't remember anymore
I just know that she warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are
And she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar

And I just know that she warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are
And she says that I am the brightest little firefly in her jar"

Race of Manipulators
"You run the strings to our hands and feet,
And make us bow and dance at your command.
Your beck and call serves as our purpose in life.
Who are we to resist our bonds?
Who are we to deny our roles?
You parade your other toys in front of us,
And crush our dreams of remaining your favorite.
Your entertainment burns our mass-produced chests.
Who are we to question our puppeteers?
Who are we to deplore our brothers?
You pump out our usefulness without regard,
And discard us when we have no surprises to offer.
Your use of binding words holds promises unkept.
Who are you to laugh at our antics?
Who are you to perpetuate our disgrace?
We who are your harlequin slaves."

Apocolypse NOW

The dreams I have are so torturous. I fly at night. And I come crashing back down to Earth when I wake up.

Last night I was Superman. Which is weird, because I've always disliked Superman as a comic book hero. But I did have fun creating monstrous whirlpools amongst beach goers with the laser vision. And "Lois Lane" was there, when I had finished my rampage. She knew who I was and loved me anyway. We held each other tight, until she decided she couldn't do it anymore, and she didn't know why. It just wasn't working. I didn't understand why she wanted to just throw away the best thing to happen to Earth without so much as a real reason. I couldn't fly anymore after that.

And I woke up in a sweat. At first I decided I just wanted to lay in bed all day feeling sorry for myself. But I've since decided I'd rather get blackout drunk at the Tram Party and fall asleep somewhere on the mountain when my friends forget about me.

I'm no Superman.

Bah Humbug

I think I just want to sleep through the rest of the holiday season. I hate this.

Edit: 7pm. One or two more vicodin and another cocktail or two, and I just MAY! WOO!

Edit #2: 8pm. Fading fast.

Edit #3: 10pm. Started coming around, so I took another.

Edit #4: 5am. Still mostly fucked-in-half "high," but I think I'm gonna make it. Phail.

4th Grade Dropout

I'm not really sure what I'm feeling, or thinking for that matter, right now. But I've decided that as a man, it's my duty to default to Irate. So I've found some suitably angry lyrics.

The chain linked fence
Surrounds the feeble child
Gag your mouth
To hear sweet melodies
Lifted your hand to swing
To swing the chair
Pounding my brain
Love her and tell her
Fuck her and smell her
Don't fall for it
Don't fall for me
Fall child
Just one more thing
Kiss my lips and make me fly
I told you not to fall for it
Kiss my lips and make me fly!

Edit: Nearly 11PM and I've decided to hell with convention, I'm drinking whether there's a pal with me or not. Praise be to the inventor of sinfully cheap, cleaning agent grade, rum. And myself and my mother for holding onto the change long enough to pay for it.

Fate of Indigo II

We are the angels in the sky;
So near perfection we defy nature,
Communicating in private tongues or silently.
For what seems an eternity,
Yet no time at all-
Our flight has been gloriously synchronized,
Performing feats not seen in recent memory
Or likely to be witnessed again for eons.
But it is my time to be struck down.
So let's unleash Hell on Earth.


This looked longer in my comp book. Anyway, I had a decent start from months ago, finally got around to finishing it. As complete as it'll ever be, I suppose. The exciting conclusion to the Fate saga will be revealed... some day. Probably when I write it. Feel free to critique or make suggestions.