I Am Far Too Young for Nostalgia

As I've been thinking about school so much lately, I started thinking about my past college experience. While I'll never doubt that leaving the Art Institute was ultimately a good idea, I really miss the environment. Mostly, though, I miss the Lenora. We partied so much there, caused so much unpunished trouble, and created so many awesome memories. How much cooler can it get than having to walk down a hall and maybe a flight of stairs to be at your best friends' front door? I met the love of my life in that building, and was similarly just a short walk away, and ultimately, that part of our relationship ended up being the best. I acquired and subsequently lost my taste for marijuana there. I taught myself how to cook and do laundry there. I procrastinated there like I do everywhere else! I learned how to drink beer, discovered that Family Guy really is as funny as everyone made it out to be, smoked so much hookah I got sick of it and gave mine away (for a while, before I asked for it back and eventually gave it away again), made a handful of new, various, and unlikely friends, and really finally found myself and a place I belong.

Forget the simplicity of childhood, the "good ol' days," when everyone from the Metal Crew was in Jackson and getting along, or the summer I was paintballing with my Dad on a weekly basis, that was the best part of my life. If I had to choose a period or day to relive over and over again, it would be from the half year spent in the Lenora. Even at the time, it honestly felt so perfect, almost surreal, and I never really struggled with the depression at all while I was there. It was literally a dream come true, one that we all had to wake up from, and I think we all miss it. Actually, I miss it all so much I feel kind of sick, unless that's the entire half of pie from Christmas Dinner I ate a couple hours ago. Oops, I think I'm gonna zuke.

Good News!

Mom's going to make an appointment for me with the Doc in the next couple days. Given my recent acts of idiocy, I'll more than likely have no problem walking out heavily medicated. This is a good thing.

Honesty can be more confusing than carefully crafted deception

So tonight I played a game of sorts with a friend. The game was being able to ask any question, with a guaranteed honest answer. I nearly wasted mine, because I pretty much already knew the exact answer I got. The only reason it wasn't a total waste was because in answering, my friend made a lot of observations as supplements to the answer, and one of them raised an interesting question of its own. Which is funny, because while she insisted they were just observations, as a psychology major, I'd say she was being at least somewhat psychoanalytical beyond simple, everyday observation.

The inadvertent question was: Why am I so damaged and incapable of surmounting the trials in my life? While I've obviously considered this before, it's difficult because until now I've done my best to oversimplify and lampoon the whole mess. I've labored endlessly to convince myself and others that it's a plain case of depression-induced inability to find real meaning in life and loathing of myself and pretty much everyone else, and then do my damnedest to make fun of it as a means of erecting a double barrier. Either way you're laughing with me.

But as my friend pointed out, that's not the problem, that's my cover. It's my way of appearing distant, because I need to be that so badly, but as I've discovered over and over again, I'm simply incapable of any real degree of separation. All of my friends know the majority of my life story. I'm a mystery to no one. I constantly make myself vulnerable to anyone who will put in the time. It's obviously a major flaw. Which brings us full circle- Why?!

She acted like she thought that with enough consideration, I could figure it out if I didn't already know. But the honest truth is that I do not know at all, at least not now. I'm not sure if she felt like she knew, but I really kind of wish she did so she could tell me. And this all has me so twisted up. The most barefaced conversation I've had in months, and it's left me more bewildered than anything else has recently.

And that wasn't even her question. Her question was also about me, which is both disappointing and encouraging at the same time. It's also a potential puzzle, but she has a theory and wants me to have a night to come up with a properly considered answer. If I come up with anything worthwhile, I'll post it, but so far... honesty has me stumped again.