Honesty can be more confusing than carefully crafted deception

So tonight I played a game of sorts with a friend. The game was being able to ask any question, with a guaranteed honest answer. I nearly wasted mine, because I pretty much already knew the exact answer I got. The only reason it wasn't a total waste was because in answering, my friend made a lot of observations as supplements to the answer, and one of them raised an interesting question of its own. Which is funny, because while she insisted they were just observations, as a psychology major, I'd say she was being at least somewhat psychoanalytical beyond simple, everyday observation.

The inadvertent question was: Why am I so damaged and incapable of surmounting the trials in my life? While I've obviously considered this before, it's difficult because until now I've done my best to oversimplify and lampoon the whole mess. I've labored endlessly to convince myself and others that it's a plain case of depression-induced inability to find real meaning in life and loathing of myself and pretty much everyone else, and then do my damnedest to make fun of it as a means of erecting a double barrier. Either way you're laughing with me.

But as my friend pointed out, that's not the problem, that's my cover. It's my way of appearing distant, because I need to be that so badly, but as I've discovered over and over again, I'm simply incapable of any real degree of separation. All of my friends know the majority of my life story. I'm a mystery to no one. I constantly make myself vulnerable to anyone who will put in the time. It's obviously a major flaw. Which brings us full circle- Why?!

She acted like she thought that with enough consideration, I could figure it out if I didn't already know. But the honest truth is that I do not know at all, at least not now. I'm not sure if she felt like she knew, but I really kind of wish she did so she could tell me. And this all has me so twisted up. The most barefaced conversation I've had in months, and it's left me more bewildered than anything else has recently.

And that wasn't even her question. Her question was also about me, which is both disappointing and encouraging at the same time. It's also a potential puzzle, but she has a theory and wants me to have a night to come up with a properly considered answer. If I come up with anything worthwhile, I'll post it, but so far... honesty has me stumped again.